The Travel Series: Emotional Adventure [Part 1]
This bad boi has a reading time of approximately 8 minutes.
I'm guilty of writing extra long Instagram posts, relatively frequently. Which, hey, I consider to be a talent rather than a hindrance.
While travelling, I posted very infrequently and when I did, my captions were beyond the allowed IG length. This meant a lot of reconfiguring my words, to express my emotion and articulate my message, within a certain word requirement.
After attempting to do the same this morning, I thought 'f*ck that'. I've wanted to ramp up my blogging, let's keep the words and chuck it into a blog post. Especially seeing as I'm cozy at home, spending most of the day relaxing without any need to be anywhere. Bliss.
In an instant, The Travel Series came to life.
This is the first blog post in the series of 4 posts (or maybe more). This is not planned, but I know within my heart that this holiday has gifted me a goddamn lot, just waiting to be shared with you, and I trust that it will spill out of me in the way it needs to.
Here's to the written post-holiday adventure, with a twist on what you may expect for a 'travel blog'.
I’ve struggled this week.
The jet lag hit me like a freaking steam train on day two, after I thought I would breeze through it on day one. Rookie.
I’ve been emotional AF, thanks to a combination of factors - tiredness, hormones and general post-holiday feels.
I feel as though I have supreme clarity now, reflecting and moving through the emotions. I was perplexed as to why I’ve felt the way I did. <insert some real bloody insights>.
Most of which will find their way into an emotionally charged blog post, oh hai, here we are part one!
After simply allowing myself just to BE.
To do what I felt called to do (or not to do).
To move through what was coming up.
I've had four poignant realisations...
Despite my ability and the strength that I possess through my grief journey to process and feel. I am more resistant (now) to feeling off/sad/down. After spending a long ass time feeling that way, the moment similar emotions surface, albeit significantly minuscule comparatively, it vividly reminds me of those years. A time that I never want to experience again.
However, deep in my heart, I know that embracing the contrast allows for greater expansion and appreciation of the light/happy/good. Cue: current clarity!
Although I'm aware of my resistance, which can cause an unwarranted inner battle before exploring emotions that arise, I'm still a HUGE believer that we MUST feel all there is to feel. We owe it to ourselves!
Without feeling into the darker, more shadowy corners of our being, we would not be able to discover the empowerment and freedom within. Trust me.
I’ve acknowledged that I hold guilt around practising acts of self-care. This is a biggie. And one probably best explored in its own blog post/feature-length film.
This realisation has been a slow(er) burn over the last four weeks, one that entered my awareness in the first week of holidays but is only coming into full light now.
I have been sh*t at looking after myself or investing in myself.
This is not to say that I don't practice any self-care, because I do.
But I realised that it had been a reactive practice, rather than proactive.
This hit me yesterday as I did a hair treatment, face mask, and pedicure yesterday JUST 'COS.
"I never do this just 'cos", I thought to myself. I'll only do a face mask when my skin is dry or upset; I'll only do a pedi when I absolutely need to.
I only ever 'indulge' when I think I need to, and even then there's guilt.
As I said, this is juicy and probably best saved for a later post.
Not a new realisation, but more of acceptance; that I feel incredibly deeply.
So. Damn. Deep.
It’s a beautiful trait, I believe, but it is also v. tiring and can often be challenging.
Especially when you're on the first leg of the flight home, sobbing over a movie for 15 minutes.
Uh-huh, that was me as I watched 'Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri', tears streaming down my face.
While I’ve been aware of this for a looooong time, I’ve always beaten myself up for it.
“You bloody loser, y u gotta b lyk dis”.
Along with many things that have surfaced to be released, the shame of my emotional depth needs to go, because this is what makes me, well, ME! This very compassionate and empathetic trait is something that I should be PROUD of, not one to hide in the closet.
This holiday has meant more to me than I had ever imagined or predicted.
Hell, I didn’t think I even needed a holiday. I wasn’t even really excited, because I thought I was a tough chicky babe that never needed to slow the f*ck down (hah, was I wrong or what?!).
My emotions as this month-long break closes, have been complicated as you can probably tell.
Extreme happiness for the adventure, the downtime, the quality hangs with my soul mate.
I/we (imma speak for Tom) have experienced so much pure damn good-for-the-soul JOY, the most blissful and euphoric feelings, which I never expected a simple holiday to deliver. There's certainly more on this, with photos and stories to tell!
Yet, there is a dull ache; as I left what felt like my second home (that feeling alone taking me by surprise), slowly getting back into the hustle and realising that we will be back to our crazy hours and minimal time together. And now, the heavy heart as I relinquish this time and let it transform into memories (brought back to life with photos - a truth bombin' realisation as to why I do what I do).
The thing is, the last OS adventure we had, which was NYC in January 2016, I was back to my office job straight afterwards. The holiday itself was great, but just that. It was fun, but not as playful. It was exciting, but not enlightening. And when we got back to Brisbane, I was happy to be home and to be back to work.
This time 'round is already starkly different because the holiday itself was insanely incredible. Let alone all the juicy goodness I've uncovered and released.
This time 'round, my reality is also extremely different and SO piercingly beautiful.
I literally get the opportunity to do what I love on the daily! That in itself is out of this world!
My expectations on returning home were that there would be no 'post-holiday blues' because my life is so damn full of good sh*t. Cue: Guilt for harbouring such complex feels. The thing is, the holiday was equally (and surprisingly) as radiant and amazing as my reality. I've realised that these emotions surrounding our adventure may be unexpected, but they also make me realise how extraordinary this trip was - and not to leave it two and a half freaking years for the next!
So this is the point where I’d reference silliness for my expression of emotion because it was ‘just’ a holiday after all. But nothing in this life deserves a 'just' in front of it, NOTHING!
You're not 'just' a...
While this post is an insight to (some) of the feelings induced by this holiday.
I hope its a reminder for you...
To lean into the contrast; it's okay to feel all that you do, and that there is ultimate clarity waiting to be discovered.
To take time out for YOU; self-care can be and should be a proactive practice. Do the face mask, get a massage, lay in the sun and read a book - JUST 'COS YOU FREAKIN' WANT TO.
To accept yourself for the beautiful human you ARE, as you ARE. Don't shift or change yo' fine self for the safety of others.
And do yo'self a favour, book a holiday! Take extended time for you, to explore, indulge, adventure and play. It's good for the soul, even when you don't expect it to be.
All my love n' sparkly light,